the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
