well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
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