listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
