just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
