just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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