my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
