my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
