Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
