So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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