the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
