I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
