fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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