You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
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He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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