i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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