We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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