you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
