In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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