First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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