i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
