Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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