You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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