There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You made out with two different species that night
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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