How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
