Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
