Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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