i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
