I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
