My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
