so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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