If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
