this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
