I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
