he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
