so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
