Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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