I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
