You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
