he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
