I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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