On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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