I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
