Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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