after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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