The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
