Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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