the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
