remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
