She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
