she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
