Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
