Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
