Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
