I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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