im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
