Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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