So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you would pick up someone in the library
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
