He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
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I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
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I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.