OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
