Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
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The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
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PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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