In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
