please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
