So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
