God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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